Monthly Archive May 2016

Worry

What is your worry? I was thinking I don’t have too many worries so I did my own worry investigation. The first day the paper was almost empty. But the next day I went in more deeply. When I started I couldn’t finish and my paper filled up. I found stuff that I didn’t think I worried about and that this presume appeared in many situations. Sometimes worry is good it protects us but when we start living on autopilot the same protection can cause harm if we generalize this worry to similar situations.

Example: When we were kids we were told don’t play with matches and fine. We learnt it can burn us. Of course we learn to respect this element, but if we have been scared or burnt we learn to be worried. If we have just respect and safety around fine. But if are worried we in older age operate with scared feelings around fine and that can make more danger to lay a fire or we choose not to operate with fire at all. Both these ways are unhealthy.

When worry attacks our ability to act it’s a good idea to work with our fear. What happens often is that we are not aware of our worries around our life and in that case this causes more harm than worries we are aware of.

If we don’t have knowledge around our worries it is difficult to challenge them and to understand our own behavior. We tend to look outside and ash why has something happened to us.

Example: Someone has a worry about saying something silly so in most conversations stays bash and doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t matter if they know the subject well and other person has the details wrong. This worry without them knowing it makes this person quiet. If that person knows about that worry they can try and speak on that subject and learn how to be confident in speaking.

We learn to ask or not

Do you notice some people find it easy to ask and some people never ask? Some people say everything without a filter and someone else doesn’t say any personal opinion.

Do you think why is that? Or think why I cant ask?

Some part of this is our innate personality. But it often starts when we were kids. As we grow we begin to question and some of us get an answer and may be prompted to look for an answer. It is a big possibility this person will become an investigator of everything asking about what they don’t know, what it is and how it works! And will be found looking for answer in book, online etc. He/she has learned from experience it is safe to ask.

The opposite experience is when we ask but don’t get an answer. A small percentage of these children will go and find the answer somewhere else. However more just give up. Because when they don’t get an answer they feel like they are being punished or they are being yelled or laughed at for asking. This is a big trauma for kids to feel this so they decide not to be hurt again so they don’t ask anymore. This experience can have happened once or more often. This can be done by a parent, teacher, friends or someone who the child respects.

The same principle applies to speaking your truth or speaking up for your self. When we learn as kids to speak up and we can do this without punishment we learn it is safe to speak up. Because our words have had value in conversation, we find it easy to speak up and stand up for our opinion. Unfortunately adults don’t often see the value of conversation with kids. Another consequence of this is that kids quit consequence of this is that kids quit contributing and wait sit back while others speak. For example this person as an adult, in a group discussion or conversation, will be quiet and listen to other peoples opinion and will how thoughts like she is clever he knows what he is talking about. This person may have the opposite opinion but will be worried about speaking up. These kids don’t learn to trust themselves, they feel unimportant, and worry they are wrong.

On our way through life we learn how to avoid pain. If no one explains to us how to avoid pain. If no one explains to us how to work with that pain we continue to make presumptions about how we fit in the world. This comes to be our truth and effects our decisions everyday about what we do and how we behave. These early experiences mean each of us sees the same situation with different eyes and can often have a different view of the same action.

Its sama same but different

If you have been in Thailand you hear this often. Do you think about this sentence? I can look at it from a lot of perspective. Sometimes we wish for a lot of perspectives. Sometimes we wish for something and it comes into my life but is a little different. Often if its different we are not happy about that, because its not exactly what we wished for.

I like that skit when a man comes to a restaurant and when he orders his meal he says I would like the same as the lady has at the next table. The waiter says okay and goes to the lady at the next table, says excuse me and takes her meal and puts in front of the man. He is surprised. This time the waiter actually make the wish exactly how he requested. And what happened was the man didn’t like it. What we see here is we sometimes put the wrong order in so its comes as something slightly similar but not exactly what we wanted. Our universe brings us something a little different but because we don’t appreciate it like a gift we may not be happy.

Another perspective on same same but different is when we need to make a deal or want something we take something similar to our wish. We do this because we are worried we will lose everything or we worry about asking or standing up for our self.

For example in an interview you are negotiating a pay rate. You ask for $20 hr they offer you $18. Even though you have a lot of experience and skills you settle for $18. You do this because you think you might not get the job that you do not have strength to stand up and explain your value.

Sometimes we take a half deal also because its more easy or convenient.

Again same same but different. An example is when kids fight for the same toy and next to them is toy with a different color. Sometimes an adult may intervene and point out the other toy and ask what about this one! But as adults we do the same as the children. We often react throe vision, smell or other senses. It must be better if he/she has it. I love this color. We act on wanting a better taste, look, smell.

Marketing people know very well how to act on same same different too. The more style and promotion they put on something the more we want it. If they promote with an important person the more we must have it. For survival we don’t need 90% of the stuff that we have. So why do we have them?

We want things because we think they are better and if they are better we will be happy.

So when is it good to have the same and when is it okay have different?

It just our perception and our choice.

Allow yourself to be imperfect

Do we really need to be perfect? I don’t think so. If I’m perfect, I would probably be lonely  or have boring people around me. Let’s look at your life. I guess you have met at least one person trying to be perfect. Did you like him/her? Who can say what to be perfect means and why would you trust that person? We may have an idea about what we want or what we want to be. That is great, it helps us grow. Just please don’t be so harsh on yourself, if you are in a different spot.

Let’s relax and let the process help us to get where we want to be. Have you realized that the more you relax and enjoy the present the faster and easier life is?

When you look at yourself, you are already perfect. Sometimes we need to see ourselves with different eyes. How do you see your friends, kids and partner? Do your eyes see them in a loving and respecting way? So why can’t you see yourself in the same way? (Do you hear your whisperer now? What does it say? )

The whisperer is your inner voice and usually is negative. Telling us what we should do or should not do. If you have a new idea about how to change your life he starts: look how many others did that before you; you don’t know anything about this and lots more.

When I hear this whisperer, I check what he really says and if it is true. Often I find it is not true or not at this moment. It is just a habit. This way half of this talk goes away. When I feel it’s true I see how amazing I am, because I got here regardless. Sometimes it helps if I tell myself that everybody needs to start somewhere and that I am great that I am doing it.

Another situation when we are so hard on ourselves is when we try new things or when we find ourselves next to someone who seems better. We are out of our comfort zone. Our whisperer starts his story, NOT OUR Story. When we listen to him we trust him. Because being out of our comfort zone is very vulnerable. Look in your past how many times you were out of your comfort zone? Almost always when you did new things for the first or second time. Later on when you start to be familiar with that you start feeling better and now you don’t think it’s difficult at all.

So do you still want to be so hard on your self?

Last day

I know so many people saying what if this is the last day, what will you do? But do you ever think about that?

An example

Just look if it is your last day at work you don’t mind the stuff that made you crazy before. And often we enjoy the little things and appreciate them. Some people have that melancholic feeling about what they will miss.

If we look at this example what else can you make lighter in your daily day or what you can enjoy more in your life.

Another way we could look at it is to ask what do you like to do and always more to another time? If it is travel you can start with a weekend and just go for a small trip somewhere where you have never been or some place you like but haven’t been for a long time. Start doing small stuff but often. This way you really live your life and not just a robotic life what you must do and need to do. Realize what is honestly important in your life, if it is must do stuff or fun stuff.

Realistic or Sceptic

I was thinking what is the difference between being a realist or a skeptic.

If I make a big decision I like to know what is positive and what is negative. From this point I like to decide if I go for it or not. For me it is normal to look with close eyes at what dangers there are. For example last time I made a decision I just started thinking what is good or not. For same time I lost myself in a big analysis about what is what. My conversation went this way – I teach a positive way to live, I try to live positively and now I’m digging for every bad possibility! But then again if I don’t do that how can I know if its good to make this decision or not? So you have an idea about what is going on in my head. After a while of thinking like this I have an “ah ha” moment about what I would do if someone came to me with same thoughts. Let us look realistically at the decision to be made without emotion.

To be realistic it is good to have a clear mind. Write down the plus and minutes on that subject and look at how important the weighting is between the pluses and minuses. Remember it is most important to look at this without emotion. If we do that it is a rational view. If we decide the No’s out weigh the Yes’s, and decide not to go ahead we do not need to think any more. But if the Yes’s outweigh the No’s we should look in side the body and see if it sits well with us emotionally. Our body is very intelligent and it is important to listen to what your body says.

Now we have looked at a realistic view so what is a skeptic? A skeptic looks at negative thoughts, digging continually and just looking at what is wrong. Often if we stop and look at these negative thoughts we find underneath they are a worry of change, a fear of failure or not being good enough. The more skeptical we are the more evidence we find. The more evidence we find the more skeptical we become. So it is one big spiral and difficult to get out of this. It is good to realize that this skeptical thinking is just trying to protect us from being hurt. It is up to us whether we choose to be realistic or skeptical when making a decision. Unfortunately we sometimes make a decision without knowing who is making the decision for us

Do you live in the now?

How do you know if you live in the now or is a different time dimension?
If you are doing stuff and are thinking about other stuff or are doing things automatically you live in a different time. But when you concentrate on what you are doing you are living in the now. The ideal is not to plan how things will be or what to do. Lots of people say I need to plan and know what to do. For this I love the story about driving the car in the dark.
If you drive a car in the dark you don’t see too much in advance so you are reacting to the four meters you see ahead. When you don’t know the road at all you concentrate more. Normally we adjust the speed to the situation for a safe drive. We cant plan too much because we don’t know what will be beyond the for meters and at the same time we trust the road will be there. ( When we drive in the dark and it becomes lighter around us we start looking everywhere and we are more distracted from driving. )
So what is different about life and driving the car in the dark? Why don’t we trust that life will still be there when on the road in the dark we trust the road will be there. Has it ever happened in your life that life wasn’t there? I don’t think so.